


Rewrite An Ending Or Two

by captainraz



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication Failure, F/F, I swear the ending is happy you guys, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-13 09:46:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9118336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainraz/pseuds/captainraz
Summary: Breaking up isn't necessarily the end of the story.In which Holtz learns that sometimes, if you learn from your mistakes, there are second chances.





	

**Author's Note:**

> And you're not what I asked for  
> If I'm honest, I know I would give it all back  
> For a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two  
> For the girl that I knew  
> \- She Used to Be Mine, Sara Bareilles

They broke up. Because of course they did.

Holtzmann had never had all that much luck with relationships, having spent most of her adult life either too focused on her work to maintain a relationship longer than a few weeks. At least with Erin she got three years—three _happy_ years—before it all exploded spectacularly.

It’s funny how quickly everything can change. One day everything was fine, Holtz was happy, happier than she’d been in years and the next everything had come crashing down around her. She couldn’t stay, she knew that. Seeing Erin everyday and not being able to be with her would kill her. She had to leave.

By that point the Ghostbusters were successful enough to consider franchising so she had the opportunity to get the hell out of dodge and still do the work that she loved so much. Holtz put her head down and did the best work she could, trying not to think about her broken heart.

Somehow two years managed to slip by without her noticing.

*

Two years down the line Holtz found herself back in New York, and she had no idea what to expect. Maybe Erin wasn’t still mad.

Yeah right. And maybe Holtz wasn’t a certifiable genius with degrees in nuclear engineering.

She stared up at the firehouse, duffel bag on her shoulder and her heart hammering faster than it had done in a while. Saying that Holtz was nervous about this reunion would be a massive understatement. She hadn’t seen any of the other founding Ghostbusters in person since she’d run off to LA two years ago. Somehow the daily texts and regular Skype calls she’d had with Abby and Patty over the last two years have done nothing to assuage the uncertainty in her heart and the sweat on her palms. Mostly cos her nerves are nothing to do with the fact she’ll get to see her two closest friends in a few minutes. Nothing at all.

She hasn’t seen Erin since the night it all came crashing down.

The last words Holtz said to her were angry, and mean. Erin had been just as ruthless back. They’d had a screaming argument in the rain and Holtz had run back to her apartment, packed up her things and flown to LA the next morning. She hadn’t even bothered to change out of her wet clothes.

Abby had tried to convince her to come back, to try to fix things with Erin, but in her heart Jillian had known it would do no good.

“Trust me when I say it’s over Abs,” Holtz had sobbed down the phone. “So very, very over.”

For two years she’d tried to forget about that night, but now she was going to have to woman up and deal with it.

Holtz hoisted her duffel bag higher on her shoulder jutted out her chin and crossed the street to the fire house.

The door was open, that much hadn’t changed at least. Holtz could hear the murmur of conversation somewhere in the building but there was no sign of Kevin or anyone else at the receptionists desk.

“Special delivery,” she called out. “Someone order a mad engineer?”

Patty’s head appeared around a bookshelf and promptly broke out in a grin. “Holtzy!” she said, opening her arms wide for one of the bone-crushing hugs Holtz remembered with such fondness. “Lord you are a sight for sore eyes. Here lemme look at you, baby.”

Holtz obediently did a spin, showing off what two years on the west coast had done. Party’s eyes narrowed. Holtz knew what she saw; her hair was a little lighter, her skin more tanned and she was a little thinner than she had been, mostly because no one she’d met in the City of Angels was anywhere as good at nagging her to eat as Abby was.

_Or Erin,_ her traitorous brain added. She didn’t let her smile waver for a second.

“You’re looking good baby,” Patty said once she’d finished her inspection. “Could use a little feeding up, but you look good.”

Holtz didn’t bother replying to the comment about her weight. “Where’s Abs?”

“She’s upstairs working on something with Holtzy 2.0. Come on I’ll show you.”

Climbing the stairs in the firehouse felt a little bit like coming home. Or it would have if not for the particle accelerator that seemed to have started up in Holtz’s stomach. It hadn’t escaped her notice that Patty hadn’t mentioned Erin.

It turned out that Holtzy 2.0 wasn’t an inaccurate assessment. Bree had the same kind of haphazard dress sense as Holtzmann, the same slightly manic grin and a shock of bright blue hair. Honestly Holtz would have taken an immediate liking to her if she hadn’t been dealing with the hot jealousy flooding through her at the sight of her first ever friend excitedly working on innovative technology with someone else in a lab she used to call her own. The feeling eased a bit when Abby dropped her soldering iron to come give Holtz a hug that made her spine pop.

It came back in full force when she saw Erin at her desk in the corner, pointedly looking at some papers in her hand.

Holtz spent more than two hours in the lab in talking with Abby and Patty and Bree about their newest tech and their most interesting busts. Erin sat in the corner the whole time and said nothing.

*

Looking at herself in the mirror Holtz knew she looked good. The combo she’d put together of Zoot suit pants, dress shirt, bright purple waistcoat and an actual fucking tail coat worked surprisingly well. The cravat and the spats she was wearing over her combat boots might have been too much but she didn’t care; she felt comfortable, like herself, and she was gonna need that tonight.

She was still reeling over the fact it had been five years since the Rowan Incident. Five years since they’d saved the world. Five years since they’d formed the Ghostbusters, the only family she’d ever known. Five years since… Holtz stopped her train of thought. That was the last thing she needed tonight.

Somehow five years had gone by, and the current mayor felt the cat was far enough out of the bag it was silly to pretend there even was a bag any more, so she was throwing them an official celebration.

Hence the suit. And the nerves.

“Holtzy, you ready yet?” Patty yelled from downstairs.

“Yeah just a second,” she yelled back. She picked up her favourite pair of goggles and perched them precisely on top of her head, just underneath her gravity-defying hairdo. She took a deep breath and let it out as a sigh. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

*

The party was great. At least Holtz assumed it was great, she was too busy trying to drown herself in tequila to really notice.

Across the room Erin Gilbert was laughing and dancing with a handsome man. Holtz couldn’t stop staring at the diamond ring on her finger.

Neither Abby nor Patty had told her Erin was engaged. In two years hey hadn’t said much about Erin; they had a tacit agreement not to mention Erin to Holtz. She wished she could be happy for her, pleased that Erin had moved on but she just couldn’t. There was a void in her chest where her heart should be and it _ached_.

There was a little voice in her mind that said it could have been her, _should_ have been her. She shook herself and downed another shot. She’d had her chance and had blown it.

It wasn’t even like he was a bad person; from her limited interaction with him he seemed like a nice enough guy. As much as she wanted to hate his guts Holtz just couldn’t.

At least he seemed to make Erin happy.

Holtz felt someone slip onto the barstool next to her. It was Abby. Of course it was Abby. She ordered another round of shots and offered one to Holtzmann.

“You okay Holtz?” she asked, broad creased in a clear display of concern.

“Yes sirree,” Holtz said a little too brightly. “I am just super duper mi amiga, never been better.” Her words were a little slurred and she wasn’t entirely sure she’d managed to say the word “better” correctly.

Abby downed a shot and looked at her with far too knowing eyes. “I’m sorry we didn’t tell you she was engaged.”

Holtz waved her off and reached for another drink.“S’fine,” she said, spraying alcoholic spit all over the bar. “I didn’t ask, you didn’t tell. Nothing to do with me anyway. Doesn’t bother me.”

The concern in Abby’s gaze intensified. “If it doesn’t bother you how come you’re at the bar drinking your body weight in tequila.”

“Reasons,” Holtz said, far too drunk to come up with an actual reason.

Abby was quiet for a moment. “Will you tell me what happened between you?” she asked softly.

Holtz’s eyebrows shot upwards. “Erin’s never said anything?”

“Erin talks about you as much as you talk about her,” Abby said pointedly. “Will you tell me? It was all so sudden.”

Holtz had a flash of painful memory and shook her head. “I just had the sudden realisation that I wasn’t the person for her, that’s all. Anyway, she’s happy now, can we drop it?” Her voice was practically pleading.

Abby drank her last shot and stood up. “Don’t let appearances fool you,” she said. “And don’t drink too much.”

Holtz pulled a face and ordered some more shots.

*

She woke up in an unfamiliar bed with a pounding stomach and a roiling head. Panic raced through her at the thought of what she may or may not have done while black-out drunk and sat up with a start. She immediately regretted that decision. Holtz blinked against the harshness of the light and realised she was in Patty’s room. Before she could start to wonder why, Patty came in the door bearing what looked like acetominophen and Alka-Seltzer.

“You’re the best Pattycakes,” Holtz said with a moan.

“I know.”

While Holtz was waiting for the drugs to kick in Patty sat down on the bed and just looked at her. Holtz groaned. “I didn’t do anything too foolish last night did I?”

“I dunno baby, depends how you wanna define that.” Holtz buried her face in her hands. “I think the mayor’s sister might be in love with you though. You spent like an hour making out on the dancefloor.” She paused, and Holtz dreaded what might come next. “Erin saw the whole thing.”

“Great. Just great.”

“Hey baby it’s cool. Erin’s engaged to Matthew now. It’s okay for her to see you’ve moved on too.” Holtz let out a plaintive moan. “Or not. Baby… are you still in love with Erin?”

Holtz wiped furiously at her eyes, which were suddenly watering uncontrollably. “I’m probably gonna love her for the rest of my life.”

Patty looked confused. “But you were the one who–”

“I know,” Holtz interrupted, “just trust me when I say this is the way it has to be. Can we just drop it?”

“Sure baby,” Patty said gently. She stood up and moved to the door. “Come get some breakfast. You’ll feel better.”

Holtz knew she was talking about her hangover and not her broken heart, but either way, it felt like she’d never be okay again. She sat on Patty’s bed for a long time.

*

It was inevitable that they’d end up on their own, just the two of them in the firehouse.

Abby, Patty and Bree had gone out on a bust they’d been prepping for weeks, and as much as Holtzmann was itching to get back into action with her best friends she knew she’d only be a liability on this one. Erin claimed she wasn’t feeling well and should sit this one out. Holtz wasn’t too worried; she’d successfully avoided Erin all week, she didn’t see why a few hours alone would change that.

She hadn’t reckoned with Erin actually seeking her out.

“Holtzmann,” came a familiar voice from the doorway.

Holtz had to concentrate hard so she didn’t drop the pieces of metal she was tinkering with. “Gilbert. Something I can do for you?” It was a struggle to keep her voice level but she thought she’d just about managed it.

“We need to talk.”

A shiver went down Holtz’s spine; those weren’t good words. She hated those words.

She glanced up from her welding to see a determined look on Erin’s face. She knew that look all too well. Erin wasn’t going to drop this. With a sigh Holtz put down her work and pulled off her goggles. She gestured at the couch in the corner of the lab, still the same ratty old thing she’d pulled out of a dumpster three days after moving into the firehouse. She’d kissed Erin for the first time on this sofa, something she was trying desperately not to think about right now. Erin perched primly on the edge of the cushion, hands folded in her lap. Holtz studiously avoided looking at her hands, particularly the left one, where she could easily make out the gleam of a diamond.

(Erin had started wearing the ring around the firehouse after the Mayor’s celebration. Holtz didn’t stop to wonder why she hadn’t been wearing it before.)  
“So,” Holtz said, her heart in her throat. “What do you want to talk about?”

“How dare you?” Erin started angrily. “How dare you just walk back in here and act like nothing happened? How dare you act like everything is fine after… after what happened?”

Holtz felt like she’d been punched in the stomach. “How do you want me to act?” she asked, voice stilted and halting, her heart racing like she was running for her life.

“I don’t know!” Erin shouted, standing up suddenly. “I just expected something. An apology, a knock-down drag-out fight. Not… not you acting like we never shared anything, like what we had meant nothing.”

Holtzmann knew her hands were clenched into fists even though she couldn’t feel them. She wasn’t aware of anything besides the pounding of her heart and the buzzing in her head. “I was trying– I didn’t– what good would it do Erin? It’s over, has been for a long time. You moved on, you got engaged.”

“You left me!” Erin shouted, and Holtz thought she understood what Abby had meant when she’d said not to believe in appearances. There were clearly some unresolved feelings on Erin’s part. “I kept wondering what I’d done wrong. What did I do that drove you away?”

“No, it wasn’t like that!” Holtz yelled, stricken. “You didn’t _do_ anything. It was all on me.”

“How was I supposed to know that when you left? We had one little argument and you just ran away. I had to find out from Abby where you’d gone and that you weren’t coming back.”

Holtz glanced down at her hands and saw her knuckles were white. “It wasn’t just a little argument and you know it,” she said, her voice low. She remembered every detail that night, the screaming match they’d had in the streets, the rain pouring from the sky, the things she’d said. The things Erin had said. “You called me reckless,” Holtz continued. “You called me selfish, immature and accused me of having no regard for my personal safety or the consequences of my actions.”

Erin was crying now. Holtz hated that she was the one who’d done that. “I was angry. I didn’t mean it,” she said, her voice small. “We could have fixed things.” She sounded desperate, and for a moment Holtz let herself forget this was an argument two years in the past. It felt like yesterday, and judging by the anguish on Erin’s face it felt just as fresh for her as it did for Holtz.

She shook her head sadly. “No we couldn’t.”

“Why not?” Erin demanded through her tears.

“Because you were right,” Holtz said, her voice cracking. “You were right,” she repeated, more softly this time. “I put myself in danger, not for any good reason but because I thought it was cool. I didn’t think about what might happen to me, or how you might feel it or how it would affect you if things went wrong. I didn’t _think_.”

“Holtz,” Erin choked, but she shook her head.

“I _am_ selfish and immature and reckless. I do things without thinking and one day I am going to blow myself up or die in a car crash or give myself six different types of cancer from all the radiation and I couldn’t do that to you, Erin. You’re beautiful and you’re kind and you’re clever. You organise everything by colour and type and date and I throw everything in piles.”

“None of that mattered to me.”

Holtz was crying almost as hard as Erin now, struggling to get her words out through the silent sobs wracking her chest. “You have an anxiety disorder,” Holtz said quietly. “And I was making it worse. You care so much about everything and you worry about things until you’re sick and _I_ was making that worse. I just couldn’t do that to you anymore. You’re not gonna change and I’m not gonna change and I ran away because I realised I am not the person for you. I’m not the person for you, Erin.”

“But–”

“You have a life, Erin. You have a fiancé I wish I could hate but I cant because he’s exactly the kind of person you need. You have a job you love with friends who would do anything for you and I’m glad. I want you to be happy.”

“What about you? Are you happy?”

“I’m doing okay,” Holtz said, lying through her teeth. “It’s sunny out on the west coast and I still get to tinker. I’m fine. And at the end of the week I’ll be on a plane back to LA and you can forget any of this even happened. You can get on with your life.”

Erin was crying so hard now she couldn’t speak.

“For the record I really am sorry,” Holtz said. “I never wanted to hurt you. I just couldn’t stay. I still can’t. I’m sorry.” She grabbed her jacket off the back of the chair and walked out of the firehouse. She didn’t care where she went, she just needed to stop her heart from hurting.

*

_Abby (15:17) where are you Holtz? Why is Erin crying on the floor of the firehouse?_

_Abby (15:30) Jillian Holtzmann what did you do?_

_Abby (16:24) just let me know you’re okay. Please_

_Abby (19:42) dammit Holtz you better be okay or so help me I will not be responsible for my actions_

_Abby (19:45) if you are drunk or banging some chick I swear I’m gonna kill you_

_Abby (19:47) stone cold dead Holtzmann. Stone. Cold. Dead._

_Patty (20:03) come on Holtzy baby, Abby is pacing holes in the floor here. Just let us know you’re okay_

_Holtz (21:11) I’m ok guys, I just needed to think. Sorry for worrying you. I’ll see you tomorrow._

_Patty (21:12) I’m gonna kick your pasty white ass for worrying us like that. I’m glad you’re okay baby._

*

Abby found her on the roof of the firehouse the next day. She was sat cross-legged, staring out at the skyline, fiddling with a small box in her hands.

She knew she looked like hell, still wearing yesterday’s clothes, her hair a mess. The bags under her eyes attested to the sleepless night she’d had. Abby was kind enough not to comment.

“So Erin isn’t telling me anything about what went down yesterday. I’m hoping I might be able to get more out of you.”

Holtz sighed and gestured for Abby to join her. “I really don’t wanna talk about it.”

“No? You at least want to tell me why Erin was curled up on the floor crying her eyes out when we got back from our bust?”

Holtzmann felt pain lance through her. “She wanted to talk about, you know, the night we–”

“Broke up?”

“I left,” Holtz corrected. “She… She wanted to know what she did wrong.” Her voice nearly broke at that. Abby just looked at her evenly.

“What did you tell her?”

“That she didn’t do anything. What happened, that was all me.”

“She thinks you left because you didn’t love her.”

Holtz’s eyebrows shot up towards her hairline. “She told you that?”

Abby shook her head. “She didn’t have to. I _know_ Erin. If she can find a way to blame herself for something, she will. I take it a lack of love wasn’t the problem.”

Holtz let out a bark of bitter laughter. “The opposite actually.”

“What do you mean?”

Holtz took a deep breath. “It was like a big dumb movie cliché; I left _because_ I love Erin so damn much. It hit me like a fucking nuclear detonation that she’d be better off without me and if I really loved her I’d let her go. So I did.” She could feel a prickling in the corners of her eyes and tried to push it away; she really didn’t want to cry again.

Abby was quiet for a moment and then said “love. Present tense.”

Holtz swallowed hard. “Yeah.” Her eyes were hot and wet now and there was nothing she could do about it. “I was gonna spend the rest of my life with her Abs. Or at least as much of it as she would let me.”

She looked down at the box in her hands, now slightly blurry from the tears in her eyes. After a moment’s thought she handed the box to Abby. “When I disappeared yesterday I went to the bank. Got that out of my safety deposit box.”

“What is it?” she asked. “Is this what I think I it is?” she opened the box and gasped. Holtzmann didn’t need to look at the box’s contents; they were permanently burned into her mind.

A simple metal band, hand milled from a piece of the first proton pack she’d ever built holding the highest quality industrial diamond she could get her hands on. The inside of the band was engraved with the half-life of bismuth-209 (Erin’s favourite element) which was longer than the age of the universe.

“I was gonna ask her to marry me Abs,” Holtz said as the first tear fell into her lap.

“Oh Holtz. What happened?”

“I nearly got myself killed remember? That last bust with the four of us. Erin freaked out so much she was practically hyperventilating. She was so scared and so angry at me I didn’t dare go home with her. It was the first time we’d slept apart in like two years. Next day she was still angry and we got into the most awful argument… I realised that if I stayed this would be our life together. Me making Erin sick with anxiety doing something foolish and reckless and I didn’t want that. So I left.”

“You guys were so good together, you couldn’t have worked things out?”

Holtz shook her head. “Fundamentally incompatible personalities. It would never have worked.”

“For what it’s worth I think you’re wrong about that, but it’s between you and Erin.” Abby shut the box and handed it back to Holtz. “So you and Erin got into it again yesterday?”

She nodded. “She wanted to know what she’d done wrong, whether she could have fixed it. I tried to tell her she didn’t do anything, it was all me, _I’m_ the one who fucked up.” Holtz made a strangled sound in her throat. “I’m the one who has to live with the consequences. I’m the one who has to watch the woman I love marry someone else while my brain screams at me that it should be _me_ and I just can’t do it.”

“Holtzmann, what do you mean?” There was worry in Abby’s voice and Holtz hated herself for putting it there.

“I managed to switch my flights to tomorrow,” she said. “I just can’t stay any longer, it’s not fair. It’s not fair on me and it’s not fair on Erin. I love you and Patty and Kevin, bless that man and the rocks in his head, but being in New York is just too hard. I have to go back.”

Abby looked like she wanted to protest, to talk Holtz out of it, but she didn’t. In the end she just looked resigned. “You’ll tell Erin this time though, won’t you? She deserves that much at least.”

Holtz nodded at her. “I was gonna. Got something I need to do anyway.”

“Don’t be a stranger, ok?” Abby said as she headed for the stairs.

“I won’t, I promise.”

Holtzmann sat on the roof staring at her ring box for a long time after Abby left.

*

Knocking on the door of Erin’s office was one of the hardest things Holtz had ever done, and she’d defended a doctoral thesis in front of a bunch of crusty old white dudes. There was no answer, even though Holtz knew Erin was in there, so she let herself in.

“Erin?”

“What do you want Holtzmann?” She was sat staring vacantly at the whiteboard on the wall playing with her engagement ring, the one Matthew had given her, twisting and turning it between her fingers. Holtz felt sick just looking at it, the ultimate proof she’d fucked up; the visual symbol that she’d lost the woman she loved forever.

“I uh-” Holtz’s voice failed her. She cleared her throat. “I came to say goodbye.”

Erin looked up sharply. “What?” Holtz thought she could see fear in her eyes, but she was two years out of practice at reading Erin’s expressions and she wasn’t sure.

“I’m going back to LA. Tomorrow. I changed my flights. This…” she licked her lips, her mouth suddenly dry. “This isn’t good, for either of us, so I’m going back early. At least I came to say goodbye this time.” Holtz aimed for her usual joking tone, the one that had gotten Erin to fall in love with her in the first place, but she missed spectacularly.

Erin looked like there was a scream trapped between her teeth. “You’re going for good then?” There was something that looked a lot like heartbreak in Erin’s voice and for a horrible moment Holtz was back there on the night of the argument, rain dripping down the back of her leather jacket as she realised she had to walk away. She wanted nothing more than to rewrite things, to apologize and to fix things with Erin but it was far, far too late for that.

“Yeah,” she said, her voice breaking as she tried to hold back the tears. “I’ll see if I can drag Abby and Patty out to the west coast sometime, maybe even get Bree out to show her my lab but I don’t see me coming back to New York. It’s just not fair.”

_On you, on me, on the rest of the Ghostbusters._

“If that’s what you what.” Erin’s voice sounded hollow. Dead.

Holtz wanted to scream that of course it’s not what she wanted. What she wanted was to be with Erin forever, to love her to the best of her ability. But she’d long since realised that the best way to love Erin was from afar, instead of selfishly clinging on when she’d only hurt her in the end.

Somehow, she kept her heartbreak internal.

“Um, before I go I uh, I wanted to give you something, sort of a parting gift.” She dug deep into the pocket in her overalls and pulled out the box she’d been playing with earlier, her heart hammering against her ribcage. She wasn’t sure how this was going to be received, but she felt she had to do it. “I made this for you, a long time ago, and I was gonna give it to you but I never got the chance. And it’s been sitting doing nothing the last couple of years and I figured it’s kind of already yours so you might as well have it to do whatever you want so here.” She thrust the box into Erin’s hands and turned on her heel, intending to walk out of Erin’s life forever.

She was stopped dead in her tracks by Erin’s uncharacteristic outburst of “what the fuck?”

Holtz could probably count on one hand the number of times Erin had dropped an F-bomb in the entire five years she’d known her. Hearing one now brought her brain stuttering to a halt, along with the rest of her. “Huh?” she managed to say. She turned to face Erin, who was on her feet now, and looked absolutely livid.

“What the fuck is this Holtzmann?” Erin said, holding the box out in front of her. “You were going to _propose_?”

Holtz felt distinctly uncomfortable. This wasn’t part of the plan. “Well, yeah. I was.” Caught off-guard, she defaulted to answering honestly.

“You were going to propose,” Erin said, her voice blank but the fire still very much in her eyes.

“It was a long time ago Erin. It doesn’t matter any more.” Holtz felt herself folding in on herself, hands deep her pockets and shoulders hunched.

“It matters to me!” Erin yelled, and oh shit Holtzmann had forgotten how beautiful she was when she was angry. “How do you go from planning to ask me to marry you to moving to the other side of the country without saying a word?”

Holtz was dangerously close to having a panic attack now, having helped Erin through enough of them to recognise the symptoms. She hadn’t expected Erin to react like this, to be so angry. She’d fully expected to give Erin the ring and be on a plane before her feelings caught up to her. Part of Holtz’s brain pointed out that it meant Erin still _cared_ but that was a dangerous road to go down.

Down that road lay hope and she couldn’t have that. She’d left for a reason. Erin was engaged to someone else. Holtz tried desperately to remember that.

“Didn’t you hear what I said yesterday?” Holtz said quietly, dangerously. “Asking you to marry me would have been asking you to spend the rest of your life in a permanent state of anxiety and worry. Everytime I didn’t come home you’d wonder whether I’d blown myself up or just fallen asleep in the lab. You’d have to watch me do reckless cool shit on busts and worry this might be the ghost that finally gets me. It would be asking you to spend your life afraid that every time I got a medical check-up this would be the one where they finally find a lump and I just can’t do that to you Erin. I kind of like who I am apart from the worrying you sick thing and I’m probably not gonna be able to change enough. So, I walked away, because I love you.”

The anger seemed to have seeped out of Erin and she had a look on her face like she’d just realised something of monumental importance, how to successfully combine classical and quantum mechanics perhaps. Whatever it was, Holtz didn’t give her chance to share before continuing.

“Anyway, you’re engaged to Matthew now, and he seems like a really lovely dude and exactly the kind of person you really need and I hope the two of you are very happy together, I really do. So I’m just going to go back to LA and let you get on with your life.”

Holtz managed to escape then, heading down the stairs and out of the firehouse. Erin didn’t try to stop her.

*

“You take care of yourself Holtzy.”

“You too Patty.”

“And don’t forget to eat. Next time I see you I want there to be more of your pasty white ass.”

“Cross my heart and hope to die.”

“Uh huh.”

“If you drop off the face of the planet again I will hunt you down and kill you. Slowly.”

“Love you too Abs. Are you crying?”

“No. It my allergies. Must be a cat around here somewhere.”

“Sure. Listen… guys… will you–”

“We’ll take care of her for you baby, don’t you worry.”

“Thanks Pattycakes, you’re the best. I love you guys do much.”

“We love you too Holtzy, we love you too.”

*

Airports were probably one of Holtz’s least favourite places in the world; there was so much waiting around with nothing to do and poofs of any size were seriously frowned upon. Thankfully that wasn’t a lesson she’d had to learn the hard way.

She was sat with her feet up on the seat next to her (pointedly ignoring the disdainful looks she was getting from the snooty lady opposite) scribbling on a pad of paper with a ballpoint pen. She’d meant to get started drafting plans for a new weapon idea but all her brain could do was think of Erin so the pages were mostly covered in meaningless scribbles.

“Holtz,” came Erin’s voice, quiet and gentle.

Holtzmann nearly fell out of her chair. For a second she thought her overactive imagination was playing tricks on her but no, Erin Gilbert really was stood there in the middle of JFK airport as though summoned by the sheer force of her pining.

“Erin!” Holtz said, scrambling to get to her feet. “What are you doing here? You’re not allowed back here without a ticket.”

“I have a ticket,” Erin said, rolling her eyes. “Honestly, we’re not in the climactic scene of some movie you know.”

Holtz’s brain had come screeching to a halt, barely able process the fact that Erin was here, in front of her. Which probably explained why the next words that fell out of her mouth were “where are you going?”

Erin glanced down at the papers in her hand. “Buffalo, apparently.” Holtz felt her eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “I bought the cheapest ticket I could so I could get through security.”

There was a persistent buzzing in Holtz’s head that was stopping her from processing information properly. She was still struggling to rationalise the fact Erin was stood there, even though it could only mean one thing; despite everything that had happened between them, everything Holtz had done, Erin still had something she needed to say. Something important enough that she’d spent a few hundred dollars on a plane ticket she didn’t need so she could say it. It was a reasonable enough conclusion but Holtz couldn’t fathom what that something might be so she just asked. “Why?”

Erin took a deep breath, suddenly looking nervous. “Because I wanted to give you this back.” She held out her hand, which held a small black box that was all too familiar to Holtz.

She felt was was left of her heart shatter into tiny splinters. It took all her willpower not to let herself cry in front of Erin. She couldn’t do much about the fact her breath was coming in short, sharp, painful gasps. “Okay, I get it. I said you could do whatever you wanted with it. If it’s too painful to keep…”- she reached out to take the box but Erin snatched her hand back, a look of intense concentration on her face.

“Holtz, stop. Listen to me. I’m not giving it back because I don’t want it; I’m giving it back so you can give it to me properly some day.”

Holtz blinked several times. “I don’t understand.”

“I’m giving it back because I want you to propose to me with it some day.”

There was something going on here that Holtz was just fundamentally misunderstanding. It felt like she’d built a proton pack and she _knew_ there was something missing but she couldn’t figure out what, she just couldn’t see what the missing piece was. “But, you’re engaged. Matthew?”

“I broke up with him,” Erin said seriously, looking Holtz dead in the eye.

“Why?”

“He’s not you, Jill.” Erin’s voice was soft, and so were her eyes. Holtz remembered that look from a hundred lazy Sunday afternoons spent tangled in nothing but sheets, sunshine and each other. She felt her breath catch and stick in her throat. Was Erin trying to tell her she still…

It didn’t matter. She couldn’t… _They_ couldn’t…

Holtz took a step backwards, shaking her head. The buzzing in her brain still hadn’t stopped and she couldn’t think. This couldn’t be what she thought it was, it _couldn’t_. She’d realised a long time ago that they couldn’t do this. Erin seemed to disagree.

“No,” she choked out. Her hands were shaking and she could feel tears dripping off her chin. She hadn’t even realised she was crying.

Erin stepped closer, closing the gap between them. “Holtz, listen to me. I’ve spent the last two years wondering what I did wrong, thinking that you left because you didn’t love me. So I threw myself into work, let myself get tangled in a relationship I didn’t really want because I thought I couldn’t have the one person I did. I let my insecurities get the better of me for two years because I didn’t realise until yesterday. I didn’t do anything. It wasn’t about my insecurities at all, it was about yours.”

“Erin…” Holtz choked. She had hundreds of things she wanted to say but they were all tangled up in her throat, caught in a lump she couldn’t swallow. Erin stepped closer and brought her hand up to brush the tears from her cheeks. Holtz sobbed and her knees almost collapsed at the feeling. Two years since she’d last had Erin’s skin against hers and she hadn’t realised just how starved of the sensation she’d been.

“No, it’s my turn now Holtz.” Erin’s voice held nothing but sheer fucking determination. Holtzmann couldn’t help herself, she met Erin’s gaze and was swallowed by the fire in her eyes. “You were right, you are reckless and you dive head first into things and you don’t always think about the consequences. But do you know what?”

Holtz shook her head, unable to speak.

“I fell in love with you anyway. I _chose_ you Holtz. And yeah I think I have a few extra grey hairs thanks to some of your antics but they’re one hundred percent worth it. Because you’re also responsible for most of my laughter lines, which I love. Your recklessness and exuberance helped pull me out of my shell and made me a better person. You balance me.”

“But–”

“No buts Holtz. So maybe you’ll blow yourself up someday or hurt yourself with your frankly ridiculous driving but it’s okay because I’ll be there to help put you back together and stop you from building new toys out of hospital equipment. And if the worst should happen and you do get cancer someday I’ll be at your side for every appointment and argue with the doctors for the best possible treatment. Because I want to be with you until we’re both grey and old, and if that’s not meant to be for us then I want to spend as much of my life loving you as I can.”

Holtz couldn’t remember the last time she’d cried so hard, and that included the night she and Erin had broken up. For the first time in two years hope bloomed bright in her chest and she wanted to hold on to it. Erin Gilbert was looking at her with love in her eyes and words of forgiveness and acceptance on her lips and damn if Holtz never wanted anything more in her life.

The PA system crackled to life with a boarding announcement. Holtz blinked the tears out of her eyes. “That’s my flight,” she managed to get out.

Erin pressed closer and took hold of Holtz’s wrist, holding the jewellery box out again. “I know we have a lot to talk about and this is far from fixed but I want you to take this back as a promise we’ll work it out and that we will be together. Please Holtz, take the box.”

She didn’t have a lot of time but Holtz felt frozen, caught between the future she thought she had to have and the one Erin was offering her so willingly. Was it possible she’d been wrong, made the wrong decision? Erin certainly seemed to think so and was more than willing to fight for Holtz now she wasn’t lost in her own insecurities.

There was no choice. Erin was worth it. Holtz paused for just a moment too long because the hopeful look on Erin’s face started to die. Before she could say anything, backtrack and make it better, the snooty lady who’d sat and watched the whole exchange decided to pipe up.

“Oh for god’s sake will you just kiss her already?” she said.

Holtz didn’t need telling twice. She grabbed the jewellery box and flung her arms around Erin’s neck.

And then they were kissing, for the first time in two years. Holtz’s cheeks were still wet and Erin had started crying at some point and she was pretty sure there was snot all over her face but she didn’t care; she was kissing Erin and she tasted like home.

The disembodied voice announced boarding for Holtz’s flight a second time.

Holtz pulled her lips from Erin’s with great reluctance. “I have to go.”

“I know,” Erin said. “We’ll talk later. Call me when you get in?”

“I will, I promise.” After another couple of kisses Holtz disentangled herself from Erin’s arms so she could pick up her duffel bag. Pocketing the ring box and its precious contents, she turned back to Erin. “Hey, I love you, you know?”

Erin broke into the most wonderful smile Holtz had ever seen. “Yeah, I know. I love you too.” Holtz felt her face break into a matching goofy grin. “Get going you, we’ll talk later.”

Holtz insisted on one last kiss before doing as she was told and heading to her gate. She could feel the snooty lady being smug at her the whole way.

*

_Six months later_

Holtz’s return to New York felt different this time. It felt a lot like victory.

A lot of that was to do with Erin, beautiful wonderful _determined_ Erin, who when given the tiniest bit of hope had fought for Holtz with everything she had. It hadn’t been easy. The reasons Holtz had given for leaving Erin in the first place hadn’t gone away over night, but they’d spent six months working through things, communicating with each other (and with Patty and Abby) and now they were on much more stable ground. Stable enough that Holtz had felt ready to moved back to New York. She’d finished up her projects in LA, readied the West coast Ghostbusters as best as she could and then she was on a plane.

She was going home.

Holtz shoved her hands in her pockets as she shuffled through arrivals. This was taking too long. Six months and she’d only seen Erin once, when they’d both been at a conference in the Midwest. She wanted to see her girlfriend, hold her in her arms and kiss her like she’d been thinking about every day for weeks.

Eventually she managed to retrieve her duffel bag. She’d practically had to fight an old lady to get to it, but pretty much everything she owned that was important was in that bag so she wasn’t gonna let it go. The rest of her stuff was being shipped across country the hard way, but everything she really needed was in that bag.

Finally she got her stuff back and hurried to the exit, where she knew there were people waiting for her. At first Holtz couldn’t see her welcome committee, mostly because she’d half expected them to rock up in full uniform and kit but apparently not. But then she spotted Erin, holding above her head a sign that said “world’s greatest nuclear engineer”. She flipped the sign over so it read “the love of my life” and Holtz was done for. She broke into a run, not giving a shit about the funny looks she was getting, and crashed into Erin’s arms with a huge grin on her face.

Four months, six days and thirteen hours since she’d last gotten to kiss Erin. She made up for the lost time then and there. It was at least five minutes before she registered Patty clearing her throat and pulled back.

“Missed you baby girl,” she whispered against Erin’s smeared lipstick.

“Missed you too Holtz.” She nudged her arm. “Come on, the others want to say hi as well.”

Holtzmann let go of Erin but kept holding her hand as she was engulfed in a Ghostbusters group hug. It was good to see Abby, Patty and Kevin again, and even Bree was there, throwing herself into the group hug with an abandon Holtz could respect.

“Aw yeah, Holtzy’s back!” Patty yelled.

“Where did she go?” Kevin asked, the confusion in his voice doing nothing to curb the sheer enthusiasm on his face.

“Welcome home Holtz,” Abby said. “Welcome home.”

Holtz felt herself choke up a little. “It’s good to be back you guys.”

Erin squeezed her hand and smiled.

*

Holtz laughed so hard she fell off her chair. Bree looked at smoking remains of their prototype ghost repellent with surprise, although that could just have been the missing eyebrows.

“You know, I’m beginning to reconsider the wisdom of letting both of you loose in here,” Abby said, the resignation in her voice completely undermined by the grin on her face.

“Man I told you having two Holtzy’s around was a bad idea,” Patty said, smiling almost as brightly as Abby.

“You love me really,” said Bree, blowing the two of them a kiss and causing Holtzmann to cackle even harder.

“That’s my protégé you’re talking about,” Holtz said when she was finally done laughing and had scrambled to her feet. She slung an arm loosely around Bree’s shoulders, desperately trying to keep her face straight. She’d never been very good at doing anything straight. “I’m gonna keep her and love her and raise her as my very own.”

“Long as you two mad geniuses don’t wind up blowing us all up that’s cool with me,” said Patty.

Holtz looked at Bree. “That was a bigger poof than anticipated,” she said seriously.

“More coolant needed,” Bree said, matching Holtz’s tone. “Should only be a small poof next time.”

“Maybe we should hold off on the poofs for a while. Your eyebrows are gonna take a while to grow back,” Holtz said, shit-eating grin plastered all over her face.

Erin sidled over while Abby and Patty were vigorously agreeing with the no poofs plan and put her arm around Holtz’s waist. “I’m glad you’re back,” she said quietly. “It wasn’t the same without you.”

Holtz smiled and kissed her girlfriend on the cheek. “I’m glad I’m back too.”

*

“You just got Holtzmanned baby,” she yelled gleefully as she took down multiple class fours with her dual pistols, her favourite and most trusty weapons.

Her first bust since getting back to New York was going well. A handful of malicious class fives had been disturbed by some construction work and had roped several other entities into helping them enact revenge. It was the kind of job that required all of them.

Thankfully Holtz’s proton pack had finally arrived from LA. (Finding someone willing to ship it for her had been a pain in the ass, and the eventual solution may not have been entirely legal).

She was back in the saddle, and loving every minute of it.

More than two and half years since they’d last worked together and the original Ghostbusters still worked as a cohesive unit that was exhilarating in its effectiveness. Bree slotted into the roster easily, having worked worn three of her four teammates almost as long as Holtz had, and together it felt like they were unstoppable.

These ghosts were making them work for it, but they were going down.

“Holtzy, duck,” Patty yelled. Holtz threw herself belly down on the floor but she wasn’t fast enough; something solid hit her in the back of the head hard enough to make her see stars.

The guttural scream that split the air immediately after could only belong to Erin Gilbert and Holtz would have been turned on if she wasn’t concentrating so hard on not passing out. She staggered to her feet, feeling like she was six shots in at a bar, and came face to face with Erin single-handedly taking down two of the nastiest apparitions present. Holtz added her own proton stream to the fray and, led by Erin, the Ghostbusters defeated the remaining ghosts in short measure.

Holtz swayed a little as the adrenaline fled her system and left her feeling like sixteen different kinds of shit. Erin was at her side in an instant.

“You alright Jill?” she asked, both her eyes and her voice full of concern.

“I’m–” the word “fine” stuttered on the end of her tongue. She wasn’t fine, not by any definition of the word. Holtz didn’t want Erin to worry but they’d talked about this at length; Erin hated it when Holtz got hurt but she’d rather know than Holtz make it worse by trying to hide it. “Think I might be a bit concussed,” she said instead.

Erin’s fingers went to the back of Holtz’s head. “That chair did hit you pretty hard but there’s no blood or anything. Think you need to go to the hospital?”

“That was a _chair_?” Holtz said, astonished that she was still conscious, let alone upright. “I don’t really want to go to hospital,” she said after a mental inventory. “My vision isn’t blurry and I don’t feel sick. And I’m pretty sure I didn’t black out, so I should be okay at home if there’s someone to watch me.”

“I’ll take care of you baby girl,” Erin said.

“I know you will,” Holtz replied. “I know you will.”

In the end the only doctor Holtzmann needed was a doctor of particle physics.

*

“Stop fiddling with it. You’ll be fine.”

“What if it’s not fine? I mean, what if she says no?”

“You look fine, the ring is fine, your plan is perfect and she knows this is coming. She’s not gonna say no.”

“But we’ve been back together less than a year what if she’s not ready for this yet?”

“She broke up with her fiancé for you and you moved across the country. I don’t think you can get more ready.”

“I dunno…”

“Relax Holtz it’ll be fine. And I swear to God if you touch that tie one more time I’m gonna kill you.”

“But–”

“She’s not gonna say no. She’s not.”

*

It started snowing not long after Abby left, a gentle dusting that was nothing compared to the winter storms New York was capable of. Holtz had to resist the urge to shove her hands in her suit pockets to keep them warm; since the weather had so kindly helped provide the proper ambience for the occasion it wouldn’t do to ruin it by slouching.

The roof of the firehouse was covered in fairy lights and there was a bottle of Erin’s favourite wine sat on a table Holtz built herself, along with two glasses. Holtz was wearing one of her nicest suits in an attempt to bolster her confidence but hasn’t done anything to quell the fluttering nerves in her stomach.

Just as she was thinking about sneaking downstairs for a spot of liquid courage (something stronger than the crisp Reisling she’d put out for Erin) the door to the roof opened.

“What’s all this?” Erin asked softly and suddenly Holtz had no time for nerves because the only thing pressing against the inside of her ribcage was sunshine.

She turned around and felt a goofy smile take over her face at the sight of her girlfriend. Erin was wearing a strapless dress that had her shivering a little in the cold. Snowflakes had settled in her hair and eyelashes and were glinting as they reflected the fairy lights. She’d never looked so beautiful and for a moment Holtzmann struggled to remember how to breathe. Patty had certainly done her job properly.

Holtz shrugged, aiming for nonchalance and knowing she’d almost certainly missed given the grin she could feel she was sporting. “Just wanted to do something nice for you. Come have some wine.”

Erin did as she was told, opening and pouring the wine for both of them as she accepted a fluffy blanket from Holtz. To her credit she managed about five minutes of obvious small talk with her girlfriend before she asked “so what’s this really about?”

Holtz’s heart rate jumped up by at least ten beats a minute. “I’ve been thinking a lot about when we saved the world—the first time I mean—and the speech I made in the bar afterwards.”

Erin nudged Holtz with her hip. “It was a good speech.”

“I like to pretend I wasn’t looking directly at you when I was talking about love but I was.” Holtz felt herself choking up as she remembered how overwhelmed by emotion she’d been that day. It was nothing compared to how she felt right now. “I mean, I love Abby and Patty and they’ve both taught me a lot, but I don’t love them the same way I love you. I don’t think I could love anybody the way I love you.”

Erin smiled at her, unshed tears making her eyes sparkle. “Holtz,” she said, her voice cracking.

Holtz took a deep breath and dove headfirst into the speech she’d agonised over for weeks. “For a long time I thought the best way to love you was from afar.” She laughed, blinking away tears that threatened to freeze on her cheeks. “I got it into my head that we were some rom-com cliché and that if I really loved you I would let you go. And you know how I get when I get an idea in my head.”

“You forget to eat and sleep and focus only on the idea until one of us drags you away.”

“Exactly. Hence the whole moving to the other side of the country thing.” Holtz sniffed, aware that it wasn’t suave or sexy it any of the things she was trying to be at that moment, but she couldn’t help it. She didn’t have a handle on her emotions at the best of times, let alone when she was trying to do one of the most important things she’d ever done in her life. “I was okay with breaking my own heart, because I though that was how it had to be. What I didn’t realize was how badly I was breaking your heart.”

Erin was sobbing by this point. “Holtz, you don’t have to…”

“No, I have something I need to say.” Since neither of them were holding their glasses any more, she reached out to take Erin’s hands in hers. “I might never have been Ghost Girl but I was the weird little queer kid who liked breaking things to find out how they worked and was too clever for her own good. No one ever looked out for me and no one ever fought for me, not the way you did. The thing you taught me about love was that it’s important to love yourself too and I thought I was doing a pretty good job of that but apparently I wasn’t. You looked at all my crazy and said ‘yes, I want that’ and you’ve accepted all of me without wanting me to change. You showed me how to be better while still being myself and I love you so much for it. The last few months have been great, wonderful even, building something strong, something lasting with you and it would be an honour to love you for the rest of my life.”

Holtz shoved a hand in her pocket, fingering the jewelry box and flicking a switch to signal the next stage of the plan. She just hoped everything went off without a hitch. Erin was still crying, mascara running down her cheek and she had never looked more beautiful.

Erin frowned as the lights flickered and dimmed. “Are we having a black out?” she asked.

Holtz laughed, because of course Erin Gilbert would worry about a thing like that in the middle of a very obvious proposal. She shook her head. “Nope. Look.” Holtz pointed out at the New York skyline where most of the lights on the skyscrapers had gone out, leaving only the words “marry me Erin?” lighting up the sky.

By the time Erin tore her gaze away, fresh tears in her eyes, Holtz was down on one knee. The ground was cold and wet and snow melt was seeping through her pants, but she didn’t care. She had a ring box in her hands, love in her eyes and nothing but hope in her chest. “Erin Gilbert, will you allow me to be your wife?”

Erin choked, her hand flying to her mouth but she managed to nod her assent.

Holtz had never smiled harder in her entire life. She surged to her feet, jaw aching with joy, and wrapped Erin in a fierce hug.

“God Holtz, I love you so much,” Erin said, pulling back far enough to pepper kisses all over her face. “Of course I’ll marry you.”

Giddy and grinning, Holtz said “I believe this is the part where I give you some sweet bling.” Her hands shook slightly as she slid the ring onto her fiancée’s finger. It was a perfect fit, because Holtz wouldn’t have tolerated anything less.

Erin held her newly adorned hand up, admiring the jewelry. “I didn’t expect it to be so beautiful.”

Holtz’s brain screeched to a halt. “You mean you haven’t seen it before? You didn’t open the box?”

Erin shook her head. “When you gave it to me I guessed what it was, because there really was only one thing it could be. And I realised then and there that you were the only person I would ever marry. I just had something to do before I could tell you that.”

There were tears in Holtz’s eyes now. “Shit Gilbert, you sure know how to make a girl feel special.” She moved in to kiss her fiancée—her fiancée!—softly and tenderly and with all the love she felt bursting from her chest. The next moment she seemed to realise Erin wasn’t aware of the significance of each part of the ring, so she spent five minutes excitedly explaining it, which brought on a fresh wave of tears. Holtz was kissing them away when she heard a muffled shout from the street.

“Did she say yes?” came a voice that sounded a lot like Abby.

“She said yes!” Erin yelled back before Holtz could reply. “She said yes,” she said again, quieter this time, and with more love in her eyes than Holtz ever thought she would inspire.

Holtz kissed her until they were both breathless.

*

Much later, after an impromptu champagne party with the rest of the Ghostbusters (plus Mike Hat, who turned out to be an eighty pound Labrador every bit as intelligent as his owner) and some celebratory engagement sex, Holtz was laid in bed with Erin sleeping on her chest. She honestly couldn’t remember the last time she’d been this happy. She and Erin were gonna get _married_.

Erin’s breathing tickled her skin and she was so fucking grateful she was here at all she wanted to cry. The future wasn’t set in stone, but that was okay; whatever she did Erin would be by her side, and that was far more than she could have hoped for a year ago.

Holtz pressed a kiss to Erin’s temple.

She wasn’t exactly glad that they’d spent two years apart, but she couldn’t quite bring herself to regret it either. As hard as it had been, they wouldn’t be where they were now if they hadn’t, and Holtz wouldn’t chance her current location for the world. Things had been hard, no doubt about it, and if one thing was certain about the future it was that things would be hard again. But Holtz knew that as long as she was with Erin, as long as she had the Ghostbusters, her _family_ , things would find a way of working out.

For a brief moment she was back there, the night her brain had betrayed her and the best thing that ever happened to her had imploded. Standing in the rain, hands shaking with anger, heart pounding as she realised she had to leave the only woman she’d never really loved. And then she snapped back to the present, where she was safe and warm in the arms of her fiancée. Things had worked out for the better, but she swore she’d never take it for granted gain.

She’d been given a second chance, an opportunity not everyone was afforded, and Holtz meant not to waste it. She was glad that night hadn’t been the end, only a temporary hiatus, and that she’d been given a chance to rewrite her future.

Lying there in Erin Gilbert’s arms, Holtz swore not to waste it.


End file.
